The familiar reflex
“I’m fine” is one of the most practiced phrases we use. It slips out automatically: at work, with friends, even with people who genuinely care. Often, it’s not a lie. It’s a shortcut. A way of saying, I don’t have the time, language, or energy to explain what’s actually going on.
For many people, “fine” doesn’t mean okay. It means functional.
What “fine” often protects
For people who are used to carrying a lot, emotionally, relationally, or professionally, being “fine” can be a survival skill. It keeps things moving. It avoids burdening others. It maintains control.
But over time, staying “fine” can quietly disconnect you from your own internal cues: stress that lives in the body, grief that hasn’t had room to surface, or anxiety that’s been managed rather than understood.
Mental health myth: "If I were really struggling, it would be obvious."
In reality, many people who seek therapy are high-functioning, responsible, and outwardly successful. They’re not falling apart, they’re holding everything together, often at a personal cost.
The reflective turn
A useful question isn’t “Am I fine?”
It’s “What does ‘fine’ help me avoid right now?”
Sometimes it avoids conflict.
Sometimes it avoids grief.
Sometimes it avoids slowing down enough to notice how much you’ve been carrying.
This isn’t a problem to fix-it’s information worth listening to.
Where therapy fits
Therapy isn’t only for moments of crisis. It’s often most helpful in these in-between spaces, when things look okay, but don’t feel settled. A trauma-informed approach pays attention to patterns, nervous system responses, and the ways past experiences shape present coping.
Not to label or pathologize, but to create more room, clarity, and choice.
Research consistently shows that chronic stress and unresolved emotional strain don’t always present as dramatic breakdowns. They more often show up as fatigue, irritability, numbness, tension in the body, sleep disruption, or a sense of being “on edge” without a clear reason. In other words, what looks manageable on the outside can feel very different on the inside.
Practical takeaway
The next time “I’m fine” comes out automatically, try pausing and asking yourself one follow-up question-silently or out loud:
“If I had more space right now, what might I say instead?”
There’s no right answer. The value is in the noticing.
